SUMMARY KEYWORDS

boundaries, care, life, conversations, feel, question, navigate, folks, step, protecting, answer, ally, mom, little bit, episode, energy, asks, focus, share, drains

SPEAKERS

Amber Cabral

Amber Cabral  00:00

If you are at the point of resentment, that is an indication that you are not enforcing boundaries in your life, right? You’re not taking care of yourself. Resentment is a sign that you are upset that someone else isn’t doing something which really is about you not protecting yourself from the results of that privilege is all around you. It’s useless until you recognize it. So it’s time to stop feeling guilty and figure out how to use your privilege to make an impact. Welcome to guilty privilege. Welcome to another episode of guilty privilege. My name is Amber Cabral, and this is part two of a Q and A episode. So if you didn’t see part one, I do recommend you go back and watch that. But what we’re gonna do in this episode is answer some questions that I’ve received from my audience. So what happens is, occasionally, I will post a question and ask folks to tell me what they need help saying. Because one of the things that I often hear is that I know I should speak up about a thing, but I don’t know what to say. And so what I would like to do in this episode is share with you some questions that I’ve received and the answers that I provided, and hope that you walk away with some tools that will help you to answer some questions that you need answered in your life. Let’s get started. So this time, we’re going to focus on more personal questions, the first round of these Q and A questions and answer session was really focused more on like business questions or professional ideas. This time, we’re gonna focus more on the personal. So the first question that I received was, I have a girlfriend who really sucks the life out of me, and how do I tell her without hurting her feelings? I have news for you. If you have friends or people that you care about in your life who really suck the energy out of you, this is a boundaries issue. You have to manage your own boundaries. People get to be who they are, and we love them and we respect them and we value them, but sometimes they will take a lot of energy from us. Our responsibility for ourselves is making sure that we are protecting ourselves and taking care of ourselves, and that means that if someone drains the energy out of you, you have to make the adjustment. Now. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be concerned about your friend or supportive, or that maybe it’s not worth asking if they’re okay or if something is going on, but if you are finding that you are exhausted by someone, the role that you should be playing in that circumstance to protect yourself is adjusting the way you engage. This doesn’t mean you have to end the friendship, but it does mean that you have to be thoughtful about the ways that you are choosing to experience that person, so that you are able to retain the level of energy that you want to keep for yourself versus the amount that happens to be drained when you are engaging with them. It might feel tough, but that’s the only way for this to actually move forward. The second question that I want to answer is, how do I get family members to stop speaking negatively about food or their weight around my daughter? So this is someone who’s concerned about their kid hearing something negative, especially in such a formative time, particularly from folks that they are likely to be around because they’re children. So this is another boundary issue. The thing about boundaries is that they belong to us, and so we get to establish what we want to experience and how that feels. Unfortunately, that also means that we have to decide where the line in the sand is for us, and so sometimes we have to make the decision that doesn’t always feel good, but that is going to help us to retain the boundary. In this case, if you do not want someone to have a certain type of conversation around your child, you can ask for that, but they can also say no, or they can just be really bad at it and not be able to not talk about those subjects in front of your child. Your responsibility is to make the decision that when those topics come up, you are going to remove your daughter from the situation. That could be we’re going to go for a walk, or we’re going to a different room, or it might be just leaving the situation altogether. But the unfortunate fact is that you cannot make someone behave differently because you asked them. You can only request that they do so and hope that they are willing to do that, and if they are not, decide what your next steps will be so that you’re having the experience that you and your daughter deserve, I hope you’re enjoying today’s episode, and if you happen to also be looking for tools to help you navigate tough conversations, to be able to show up as a more impactful ally, or just to have resources about how to navigate equity in your world. I’ve written two books. My first book is called allies and advocates, and this book is really focused on helping you show up as a more impactful ally. It has actual tactics and tips and things that you can practice to help you get there, both for yourself and for others. My second book is called say more about that. Now say more about that is more about helping you to speak up, to push back, to challenge, to be able to have those conversations that sometimes get a little bit difficult. And in fact, I’ve given you actual scripts to help you to be able to do that. So if you’re interested in just having a few extra resources in your pocket to be able to. Help you to navigate any of those things. You can go pick up those books anywhere where you buy books, or you can pop down into the show notes and click the links and buy them there. Back to the episode. Okay, my next question is, I am starting to resent my sisters because I am the only one of the three of us taking care of my mother, who is elderly and needs support, and they are also available more than I am because I work and they don’t. What should I do? How do I have that conversation? Okay, it’s always really tough to have conversations with family members, especially family members that are siblings or parents, because we’re usually closer to those folks. So the first thing I want to call out is, if you are at the point of resentment, that is an indication that you are not enforcing boundaries in your life, right? You’re not taking care of yourself. Resentment is a sign that you are upset that someone else isn’t doing something, which really is about you not protecting yourself from the results of that. So what I would recommend is that you first get really clear about what you need. What do you need so you don’t feel resentful? Is it that you need more time? Is it that you’re not getting enough rest? What is it that you actually need? How are you serving you so that you don’t have a reason to be resentful about how someone else is experiencing their life? That’s the first thing you should do. The second thing you should do is make sure that you create a schedule so you can continue to do that so we don’t end up back in the same place where we’re resentful we are, instead in a position where we’re able to navigate taking care of ourselves and being able to show up in the ways that we want to, because we don’t have to worry about what other folks are doing, because we are good All right, so that resentful part really has to be taken care of. Now here’s the third piece, and probably the part that most folks really are struggling with. What you want to do is make sure that you set some boundaries for what works for you. If it’s you and two other siblings, the workload should absolutely be shared. So what I would decide is what I can do, what I have availability to achieve and how I am going to make sure that I’m positioning myself such that I am not going to go outside of what those limits are, all right. So I would establish some boundaries, and then I’d communicate those boundaries to my sisters. I would make it really clear. So listen, I am available to take care of mom between these day dates and times, I am going to make sure that I’m around at those points. I want to make sure that it’s clear that she’s still going to need support in these ways. I’d wait for them to step up. This is really tough, because we don’t want mom to go without support. We want to make sure that she’s getting what she needs. But the reality is, if we continue to pick up the balls that don’t belong to us, we are going to continue to carry them. So the only way for this to stop being your responsibility is for you to remove it from your own plate so it is available for someone else to pick up. And here’s the thing, even though they may not act like it now, the minute something stops getting done, people feel compelled to step in. It just so happens that you’re the one that feels compelled to step in now, so what you have to do is step back and make space for someone else to fill in that gap. But you can also set the expectations. Another option is to make a decision together. Hey, it looks like we’re going to need some additional support to take care of our mom. Let me know the best way for us to coordinate so that we have a plan to figure out how we’re going to cover that from a cost perspective. That way, maybe it doesn’t require someone to step in, you know, with their actual time, but they can step in with their dollars. So there’s a couple options here, but in either case, what you have to do is make sure that you are willing to step away from the portion that you cannot carry so that someone else can pick it up, even when it’s your own mom, and that’s tough. It’s a tough call to make, and I’ve lived this life, unfortunately, but you have to step away so that someone else can step in. Hey there. I hope you’re enjoying the episode, and in fact, if you are, you can bring me to your organization or event to help you bring conversations like this to life in your workspaces. This is something I do for a living. I do coaching, I do training, I do executive consulting, whatever it is that you might need as it relates to trying to figure out how to activate allyship or equity in your space, it’s probably something I can support. So if you’re interested in how we can work together, you can reach out to me@cabraraco.com or pop down into the show notes and click the link book a discovery call, and we will chat with you soon. Back to the show. Okay, the next question that I want to answer is, what do I say when someone asks me, What are you? So I’m a little bit snarky. When someone says, What are you to me, I will usually say human. If someone asks me what I am mixed with, I will usually say my mom and my dad. I prefer to put people in the position to feel a little bit of the same discomfort that I feel when people are putting me in a specific position. That kind of isn’t really fair to me, but they may not necessarily realize it. Now, snarky isn’t your thing? That’s okay. What you can say to kind. Get folks to come to the realization that maybe this isn’t the best approach. You could actually just say, Hmm, what do you mean by that? I’m not sure I follow what you mean by what am I like? As in, like, you know, human. Where am I from? Can you elaborate a little bit? I would ask for clarity so that they have to explain what they mean. And then I may even ask, Oh, why are you asking? So that they have to put forth the energy to understand that the question that they’re asking could potentially feel a certain way, and they have to rest in that experience as well. Now, if it’s a situation where you’re comfortable with the person, you’re friends with them, you have a relationship, you can say, Oh, I really don’t love that question. Maybe a better way to ask it is right. So I’ve also made that recommendation to folks. I will say to someone, you know, instead of asking someone, what are you maybe a better question is, you know, I would love to know a little bit about your background and let them share what they want. They may share their racial identity. They may share the city or state that they grew up in. They may share, you know what kind of education they have or what their career has been about, but what I really think is important here is for you to focus critically on answering the part that feels okay for you, and when you have the ability make sure that you’re putting a little bit of that pressure, that awkwardness, back on the person who initiated the inappropriate ish question. So here’s the thing, most of the time when we’re having a hard time in our personal relationships, it’s almost always going to come back to boundaries, the thing that you could really benefit from the most in your life in terms of tools, probably three things. One, know how to give and receive feedback. Two, know how to apologize. So I apologize for moving forward I will. And three, understand how to maneuver boundaries. We often think that boundaries are us just telling someone, this is my limit, don’t cross it, and getting really upset when they do it anyway, when really what a boundary is asking you to do is say, This is my limit, and if you cross it, there will be repercussions. And those repercussions could simply be, I’m not going to continue to engage, I’m gonna leave. I won’t participate. I’m not carrying this anymore. Right? Boundaries are for us, which means we have to adhere to them, even when it’s friends or family, and honestly, those are the people who we’re gonna end up having boundaries with the most. Hopefully this was helpful for you. I’m always trying to make sure that you can get any of your questions answered. You can always pop into my social inbox, like lots of other people do if you have a question that wasn’t answered, but make sure that you pocket some of these techniques so that you can go ahead and move forward. Thanks for tuning in. You.