SUMMARY KEYWORDS

leader, favoritism, work, conversation, team, people, email, person, documenting, accusing, efficiently, question, opportunity, circumstance, boundary, thoughtful, navigate, behavior, child, concerns

SPEAKERS

Amber Cabral

Amber Cabral 00:00

It is okay to let people know you see when they are exhibiting behaviors that are inappropriate. In this case, we’re talking about favoritism, but the thing is to just be thoughtful about it. Hey, I’m not sure if you realize it, but you tend to cut people off in meetings. I just want to make sure you’re aware of that, because it can create, you know, some conflicts for you on the team, and I really want to see us all win. And I just thought it would be useful for me to let you know that you can always say that thing. The key is figuring out the best way to position it and frame it so that that person gets the feedback that they need and they’re able to make the adjustment. Now, if they choose not to make the adjustment, they got to deal with the consequences, and that’s on them. Privilege is all around you. It’s useless until you recognize it. So it’s time to stop feeling guilty and figure out how to use your privilege to make an impact. Welcome to guilty privilege. Welcome back to today’s episode of guilty privilege. So today’s episode is for y’all. So what I like to do on my social platforms is kind of open up for a bit of group coaching. I will typically, after I’ve had an interesting experience out in the world myself, I will typically go on to Instagram and say something along the lines of, hey, this just happened to me. Here’s the way I handled it. By the way, do you happen to need help handling a situation or circumstance in your life? Can I give you the words to be able to do that? And so what we thought would be really great was to give an episode to you that was your questions, the things that I have been asked, and then also give you the answers to those things so that you understand how inclusion and equity come to life, literally everywhere it is affecting your experience, everywhere you go every time you are encountering another human being, whenever you are engaging with the service, there is an opportunity. And so I think these questions, because they are from the audience that I actually have the most you know interaction with, will probably resonate most with the folks that watch this podcast. You’ve probably got a question that sounds similar to this. And so my hope is that through me going through these, you will find some answers there, and we’ll have just a little bit of fun. Because, you know, in my opinion, when we speak up, we get to express a little bit of our personality, so we can sprinkle a bit of that into and I want to be able to role model that for you as well. So let’s get started. One of the questions I received was, how do I ask a family member or a group of family members to stop talking negatively about weight around their child, so they have a young child, and that child is hearing other family members either refer to themselves in negative ways around their weight, like, you know, I, you know, I’m so Fat I shouldn’t have this, you know, cookie or, Oh, this is such a bad thing for me to eat, you know. So just negative talk, self talk around food and weight. So my recommendation, if you are navigating an environment where you want to enforce a boundary, because that’s what this is, this is about a boundary. And in this case, the boundary is I do not want this kind of conversation to happen around my child when that is the case. Believe it or not, this is a circumstance that you have total control over, even though you may not like the way it works. What you don’t get to do is decide how the folks that are having the sentiments that you don’t like talk. You don’t get to tell them not to talk that way. You don’t get to tell them that they shouldn’t do it in front of your child. Because the thing about that is that at the end of the day, they can always say no. What you do get absolute decision making power about is whether or not you are going to allow your child to be exposed to it. So the way I would handle something like this is make the decision that I’m going to have a conversation with this family member or family members that I care about and express to them the concern that I have. If they are receptive, I will ask them something like, can you give me the best way to let you know when I think that you may be talking negatively about this in front of my child? Because I want to nudge you, but I don’t want to make you mad, right? So you want to ask that, once you’ve had the conversation, to say, I really don’t like that. You do this. It really, you know, it’s disruptive. It’s bothersome for me around my kid, I want to be very protective about them hearing these kinds of messages. So this is what I’m going to do. And so what they will probably tell you is, okay, you know, what you can do, just cut me off, or tap me, or, you know, shoot me a look, or whatever that is. And you can operate that way, but because it’s your boundary, you have to make the decision that if it’s not working, or if that person decides that they are not willing to take advantage of it, in terms of, you know, not saying the thing that you don’t want them to say that you are willing to move your child. So that means you have to be willing to go for a walk, you’ve got to be willing to leave, you’ve got to be willing to not participate in certain types of gatherings, if you are really firm about this boundary. So that’s the thing that’s tricky about this. We have a lot more control than we think, because we think about it as, oh, but I have. To be around my family. I really want this to go on, but in reality, the decision has to be, do you want to be around your family even if they do this thing? And if the answer for that is no, not really, then that means you have to enforce them the boundary and make the decision about what you will do if your efforts to ask them to comply with your request are not met. I hope you’re enjoying today’s episode, and if you happen to also be looking for tools to help you navigate tough conversations, to be able to show up as a more impactful ally, or just to have resources about how to navigate equity in your world. I’ve written two books. My first book is called allies and advocates, and this book is really focused on helping you show up as a more impactful ally. It has actual tactics and tips and things that you can practice to help you get there, both for yourself and for others. My second book is called say more about that. Now. Say more about that is more about helping you to speak up, to push back, to challenge, to be able to have those conversations that sometimes get a little bit difficult. And in fact, I’ve given you actual scripts to help you to be able to do that. So if you’re interested in just having a few extra resources in your pocket to be able to help you to navigate any of those things, you can go pick up those books anywhere where you buy books, or you can pop down into the show notes and click the links and buy them there. Back to the episode, Okay, the next one is someone wrote in and said that they’re having a hard time telling a leader the credibility that you are showing to other folks is damaging the credibility that you have as a leader. So it sounds like there’s a circumstance here where a leader has picked a favorite on a team and is openly expressing favoritism to that person and not having awareness about how everyone else is receiving it. So what you want to do if this is the case for you, if you are seeing favoritism happen, and it is in a leadership capacity. Is it someone that you are reporting to, or that could be a peer that you are seeing display favoritism? The first thing I would do is kind of, you know, think about what relationship I have with the person. So if it is my leader, and I want to make sure that they continue to feel like my leader, I would have a conversation with them, and I would work favoritism into the conversation, you know, I’d say, you know, I have a few things I’d like to share with you, you know, maybe it’s during our one on one. And I’d cover some things that I had, you know, succeeded at. And then I say, you know, a few concerns that I There are a few concerns I have that, you know leaders might display. Are there any things you know that you’d like to share with me that are leadership concerns for you? Let them share. You know, why I’m concerned that leaders do this or that thing, or I’m concerned when this behavior is happening. And then you can say, well, a couple things that I’m a little concerned about. You know, when I’ve seen them show up in a leader are and I’d make sure favoritism was one of my things. Most people are going to pick up what you’re putting down. They won’t take it personally, but they will say, Ooh, I might be guilty of that. And they’ll adjust the behavior. So this creates an opportunity for you to have a dialog without making them the subject of the conversation. So that might sound a little bit like, you know, oh, I’m a little bit concerned when I have leaders who don’t, you know, really acknowledge when I’m delivering well, and then I’m also really concerned, you know, when I kind of a little bit of the opposite effect, where it feels like there’s a lot of favoritism being shown for one person, but, you know, other folks on the team aren’t necessarily getting the level of support or attention that they need. That’s usually going to ring a bell for people. So that’s how you can handle it. If it’s a leader that you have, you know, in a reporting structure. If it’s a peer leader, I’d probably just pull them aside and say, Hey, I hope you notice that folks are noticing that there’s a bit of favoritism happening on your team. Are you aware of that? I just want to call it to your attention, because there’s a possibility here that it could have some implications on how the rest of your team might feel and how they may continue to perform for you. So I just want to, you know, as a peer, just make an you know would make you aware that I noticed that this behavior is happening. And so if I notice others may notice it too. It is okay to let people know you see when they are exhibiting behaviors that are inappropriate. In this case, we’re talking about favoritism. But the thing is to just be thoughtful about it. Hey, I’m not sure if you realize it, but you tend to cut people off in meetings. I just want to make sure you’re aware of that, because it can create, you know, some conflicts for you on the team. And I really want to see us all win. And I just thought it would be useful for me to let you know that you can always say that thing. The key is figuring out the best way to position it and frame it so that that person gets the feedback that they need and they’re able to make the adjustment. Now, if they choose not to make the adjustment, they got to deal with the consequences, and that’s on them. This next question is a leader is disorganized and be because they are disorganized, they are causing all kinds of chaos on a team, and no one on the team wants to say anything, because it’s the leader. All right, I’ve actually lived this situation more times than I’d like to admit because although people may be really great leaders, that doesn’t mean that they have all the skill sets that are necessary to making a team work well. And so sometimes what we have to do is help folks along. Like you may have been a phenomenal boss, and this has been the case for me, but you are a mess, like you’re just not organized, right? And so we want to make sure that that person is set up for success because the lack of organization that they display. Especially if they are the leader of a team, can impact how the entire team works. So here’s how you can say that. I would have my normal one on one, my regular conversation time, and I would say to them, you know, I want to have a bit of conversation with you about some ways that we can make the team run more efficiently. I’d love to hear any ideas that you have. I know we’ve got some really important goals this year. We’ve had some discussions about those, and I’ve given some serious thought about some ways that we can improve. Are you open to having that conversation? Leaders likely going to say yes, because leaders want to get better. They want to win. Once they say yes, you can say, Well, I would like to share a few ideas, and then I’d like to hear yours. Or you can switch that around and say, Well, do you have any immediate thoughts? Because I know you have more visibility to this process than I do. I’d love to hear your ideas. Let them share Well, I think we could get better by I feel like if we did this or that as a team, let them share those. Then you can chime in and share after and say something along the lines of, well, I have three thoughts. Share thought number one, share thought number two, it’s always when you’re doing a group of three people, remember the third thing the most. So your thought number three needs to be, I think that there’s an opportunity for you to look at some ways that you could collaborate with us more efficiently. Are you open to some feedback about the way we engage with you as our leader that sets them up to tell you, yes, even if they’re uncomfortable, right? And if you save it for number three, they’re going to remember that one the most, and they’re going to look critically at what they are actually doing. Now this assumes a number of things. It assumes it’s a leader that doesn’t know that they’re chaotic. It also assumes it’s a leader that would care that they’re chaotic. So those things kind of have to be present if you’re dealing with someone that doesn’t care. That doesn’t care that they’re chaotic or doesn’t want, you know, to improve, that’s an entirely different issue that would probably have to happen, you know, through conversations with HR and work not being done efficiently, and some intentional lack of effort around support as a leader, but assuming that this is something that the leader may be doing that they’re just not aware of, or that they may be aware of that but they don’t know that it’s impacting the team. This is a great way to open the door to give them the feedback so that they can hear from the team, potentially some ways to get better, and also have the awareness that they need to be mindful of the behavior, because it is actually impacting how the team works. All right, this next question comes from someone who is doing the job of more than one person, so their concern is the requirements that you’ve designed for this role, your plan for this have changed, and so now this is way too much work for just me. I’m not able to meet the deliverables. Here’s the best way to do this. All right, you have to be a bit strategic here, because no company wants to, you know, allocate the money to hiring new people unless they know they absolutely have to. And I’m saying this as a person who runs a business, I am not interested in adding another element to my team unless it’s an element that I absolutely have to ask because it takes, it takes a lot to get that nice, healthy team balance. And so we try not to disrupt that. And we also hope that the people that we have that are doing really well are gonna continue to do that. Hey there. I hope you’re enjoying the episode, and, in fact, if you are, you can bring me to your organization or event to help you bring conversations like this to life in your workspaces. This is something I do for a living. I do coaching, I do training, I do executive consulting, whatever it is that you might need, as it relates to trying to figure out how to activate allyship or equity in your space, it’s probably something I can support. So if you’re interested in how we can work together, you can reach out to me@cabraco.com or pop down into the show notes and click the link book a discovery call, and we will chat with you soon back to the show. So here is the thing that you can do if you’re in a situation the workloads too heavy, it’s evolved to be too heavy, or it’s just too heavy out the at the outset, make sure that you are documenting what you do as you are working on something. Document how much time it takes, put it on your calendar. Make it really clear that you are keeping up with what you’re doing. At some point, once you feel like you’ve accumulated enough evidence and documentation, what you want to do is have a conversation that sounds a little bit like this. I’ve been working on this and this, and for me to be able to deliver all of this would require more time. Which of these items that I’m working on can we push out to be later that I can deliver at a later time, because I’m not going to be able to do to do all of them in the time frame that’s allotted. Okay, so we want to kind of frame it that way, like as in, not I’m asking you for permission to not do it. I’m asking you when you want it because I cannot do it in the time allotted once you have the documentation that you’ve actually kind of recorded how long it takes you to do something. If that leader pushes back and says, Oh, what do you mean this? It should be plenty of time. Now you can say, well, I’d love to walk through with you what I’m doing currently, so you have an opportunity to see how I’m using my time. Just in case there’s something that I’m missing. You want to be able to show like, no, there’s legitimately not enough time. The other benefits is doing the actual showing. Me is that a leader would have to openly tell you, Well, no, you should do it in your evening, or you should do it on your weekend, which we know is not something that a leader wants to say, because those times belong to us. And so make sure that you have yourself prepared to be able to say like, oh, I don’t have the time, and still be open to the possibility that the leader may say, You know what I actually see where there’s some opportunity for efficiency in your process, where you would have the time, because there is a possibility that something isn’t being done as efficiently. The goal here is to make sure that you are coming to the table with I am able to do these things. I am not able to do all of the things here. So is it okay that I don’t do this, or that we change the deadline for this, or which of these things can we change the deadline for you? Want to be very careful about just saying I can’t do it. It’s too much, and not having actually taken the time to outline how long things take and show that you are documenting what you are doing. Because when you do that, it makes a leader feel like you were just trying to get out of work. But if you can show Wait, no, this is really too much. Now it puts them in the position to have to acknowledge that, and it gives them the resource to be able to say, Okay, I might need someone else, and who that person might need to be, and what kind of skill set they need to have to make this work, becomes even more evident, okay, now I know what I need to bring to the table. Now I’m clear I needed an additional person that can do this thing, because my person that I have now can’t take that on at the moment. So you’re actually setting them up to be able to make a wise hiring decision, or even what their job description needs to look like, so that they are not in the position of saying, Well, what is it that you need help with? How come you can’t get it done? They have what they need in terms of tools to help actually make the situation better. Now, there are situations where, let’s just be real, they don’t care. And in those situations, what you should be doing is, again, making sure that you’re documenting what you’re doing, and make it crystal clear, I will not be able to deliver this in the time frame allotted. I’m happy to have you take a look at what I’m working on, but I really want to make it clear that this will not be on time if you’re documenting that, it makes it a lot easier when the conversation comes back around and people ask why it wasn’t done. Hey, I said that I couldn’t. No one told me what not to do when I asked. So I made the best judgment call with the information that I had. So I wasn’t able to do that. That makes it really impossible for someone to decide that you’re not doing your job. So the key is documentation, communication and making sure that you’re setting yourself up for success by being able to showcase exactly how you’re getting things done. How do I manage? This question is so juicy. How do I manage when someone has sent an email accusing me of not doing my job, and they have copied my leader and the CEO on the email accusing me of not doing what I’m supposed to do, and they have written in the email in all caps, so somebody has just slid completely into inappropriate in my inbox, accusing me of not doing my job, and I have, in fact, done the thing that they are accusing me of not doing. Okay. So here’s how you address this. First of all, I always amused by, you know, the, let me copy people maneuver it just it screams, I’m telling on you, which is kind of funny. It’s like the corporate version of I’m telling on you. So here’s the thing, a lot of people would be inclined to not reply all because, of course, the CEO is on it, and this leader is on it, and you’re frustrated, so you want to be really careful about that. Here’s the thing, you are protecting your reputation. If you did the thing that you have been accused of not doing in the email, I would reply all, and I would sound extremely confused. Reply All and say something that sounds a lot like, Hey, I appreciate the nudge here. I think the thing that you’re looking for is here, I actually completed it at this time frame. Was this email supposed to be directed to me? I am very confused about why you’re emailing me this way. So now everyone on the email chain is going to look at the originator of the email and say, Well, did you do what you were supposed to do by checking this because you sent this email accusing somebody that blatantly has responded back, stating that they have done it, providing evidence that they have done it, and also being very confused about why you’re reaching out to them. The key is always to position yourself in such a way where you don’t look like you are being confrontational or aggressive, but you are also still holding people accountable for the behavior that they’re demonstrating. In this case, they’re being blatantly rude. Your response back needs to be I am very surprised by this, and it kind of alludes to you being surprised by the rudeness, it will prompt the others on the email to also be surprised by the rudeness. And so you may find that the email trail stops there. Fight the urge to only reply to that one person. Fight that urge deliberately make sure that you’re thoughtful about your response and copy everyone that was copied originally. When you start taking people off, it looks sneaky. It gives the other party that sent the email initially an opportunity to construct the story that isn’t necessarily true, versus putting you in the best position to explain what it is that you’re trying to get to come across and making sure that no one can mix that message up for you so wherever you’re sitting in your organization. Or your entrepreneurship, whatever work looks like for you. I hope that if there wasn’t a question in here that resonated for you specifically, you at the very least, understand that there is an opportunity to address everything, your privilege, your access, your opportunity may evolve. What that looks like in each circumstance may change, depending on what your role is, but there is always an opportunity for you to actually lean in and get the thing that you want, and so what we have to do is be thoughtful about our framing, who’s going to be involved, how we want to position our tone and messaging. All of those things are a part of making sure that we come across the way that we intend to. And my hope is that with these kind of tough workplace examples, you walk away with some additional tools and the confidence to say what you need to say to have equity show up in your space for you too.