SUMMARY KEYWORDS

imposter syndrome, whales, boat, share, experience, folks, people, confident, group, arrogant, discomfort, position, space, confidence, fact, relates, push, book, arrogance, impact

SPEAKERS

Amber Cabral

Amber Cabral   00:00

I don’t want to give the illusion that imposter syndrome isn’t a real thing. It is. People are experiencing it. They can connect to what it’s, you know, it’s doing. You know, people have similar feelings that we have all bucketed into this group of, you know, things that we associate with imposter syndrome.

 

Amber Cabral   00:20

Privilege is all around you. It’s useless until you recognize it. So it’s time to stop feeling guilty and figure out how to use your privilege to make an impact. I’m Amber Cabral and this is Guilty Privilege.

 

Amber Cabral   00:34

So in this episode, I’m going to talk about some things that I am asked very often, specifically around my confidence and why I feel like I can speak up. I actually cover this in the opening chapter of my second book, say more about that because it’s a question that happens to me often.

 

Amber Cabral   00:50

Where did you get so confident? Why do you seem to not have imposter syndrome? Let me preface this by saying that I don’t necessarily experience myself that way, so I’m not always aware that I am coming across confidently.

 

Amber Cabral   01:05

I also think that some of the things that people are seeing as confident or not having imposter syndrome do still happen to me, but I just don’t consume it the same way. So I’m going to just talk a little bit about why I don’t struggle speaking up for myself, asking tough questions, sharing my ideas, pushing back, challenging, just being generally a pretty comfortable communicator.

 

Amber Cabral   01:31

And I think other folks, such as perhaps yourself, might struggle with that in comparison. So let me just open first with this. Confidence is how other people see you. It isn’t really something that I think exists in your own body.

 

Amber Cabral   01:48

I think I learned that I was confident by people telling me that I was confident. It wasn’t because I didn’t feel nervous. It wasn’t because I felt like I was better than anyone. It wasn’t because I was.

 

Amber Cabral   02:00

guaranteed to have the right words every single time. I think the difference between myself and other folks is that even when I am nervous, even when I’m not sure what the words are, even when I think that perhaps I may not be the right person to speak up, I’m probably gonna say it anyway.

 

Amber Cabral   02:17

I’m gonna take the chance. I’m going to push the envelope. I am also okay if I’m wrong. I’m also okay debating a little bit if I think you’re wrong. And so some of what I think keeps us still as it relates to progressing in our personal lives, as it relates to asserting what people perceive as confidence, as it relates to being willing to challenge and speak up to our leaders and our bosses and our spouses and all of those things,

 

Amber Cabral   02:42

I think a lot of that is about us making a decision that we’re willing to be uncomfortable. That the thing that we wanna talk about is worth it. that it is worth me challenging, that it is worth me questioning, that it is worth me potentially not feeling great or sure of myself because the potential outcome on the other side is worth it.

 

Amber Cabral   03:02

I want that thing more than I wanna be comfortable. I want an equitable environment more than I wanna be comfortable. I want this to be right more than I wanna be comfortable. And I think the more that we lean into a space where we’re willing to accept that discomfort comes with navigating the space that many folks just frame as confident, it’s really just that I’m gonna be uncomfortable and I’m gonna walk through it anyway.

 

Amber Cabral   03:25

I think the more that we all start to do that, the more we can start to create more equitable experiences for everyone and for ourselves. So I think another thing worth talking about is being liked. I think a lot of people prevent themselves from holding the mic, saying what they wanna say, challenging ideas, calling attention to inequity, pointing out when there’s an opportunity for improvement,

 

Amber Cabral   03:50

giving impactful feedback, all of those things that can feel a little tough. I think another reason people hesitate to do them is because they are worried about not being liked. Here’s the thing I’ve learned about life.

 

Amber Cabral   04:00

People are not going to like you. It can be for any reason. You don’t have to do anything and it’s going to happen. And conversely, the other thing that I’ve also found to be true is that people really like people who like themselves.

 

Amber Cabral   04:13

So I like me, I enjoy me. I am okay with the person that I am. I’m excited by that. And I want to be able to walk in this being, this body and express myself. And so because I like me, lots of times other people like me, simply because I do.

 

Amber Cabral   04:32

So sometimes where we get hung up is, is this going to make me not liked? It is already us projecting into the situation, dislike that isn’t even there. We have to instead maybe consider, how do I feel about me?

 

Amber Cabral   04:46

And am I in the position I’d like to be in? At least mostly because we all have insecurities. We all have things we’d like to be better. There’s never gonna be a perfect, completely seamless moment. But if we’re willing to just say, I like me and I am going to trust that other folks will like me as well and rely on that happening and not worry so much about those who don’t, about those folks who are not going to like you,

 

Amber Cabral   05:09

because again, it’s always going to happen, then I think that kind of gets out of the way too. So you don’t have to be stuck in position or not saying things simply because you are afraid of if someone is going to like you.

 

Amber Cabral   05:20

Now, sometimes a person you’re worried about is your boss. Sometimes a person you’re worried about liking you controls your livelihood in some way, right? And so in those circumstances, it does matter, of course, if that person likes you.

 

Amber Cabral   05:32

And so you are more likely to want to move in a space of being appeasing, being comforting, or what we like to call people pleasing. I have a couple of things that I think are really important to keep in mind about that.

 

Amber Cabral   05:44

Folks may like you, but when they find out that you’re just doing things to make them happy. they won’t trust you. I want to be trusted. I want people to like me, but I also want them to know I’m going to tell them the truth.

 

Amber Cabral   05:58

I want them to value me being a part of their lives because they understand that I am willing to lean in and candidly share the thing that most folks will find difficult to share. That I will role model for them what it looks like to push past the discomfort and say, you know, you’ve got lipstick on your teeth, right?

 

Amber Cabral   06:16

Like how often has that happened where you’ve seen someone with lipstick on their teeth and you didn’t tell them or you’ve seen someone with something going on that they could very easily fix, but we don’t want to be disliked.

 

Amber Cabral   06:27

We don’t want to make them uncomfortable. That person is our leader. That person’s in a specific position. And so we let that thing go unstated. We will even say, oh, I didn’t see it. I didn’t see that there was lettuce in your teeth.

 

Amber Cabral   06:40

And we did. You always see it. And so I think we have to be willing to acknowledge that like, that is us resting in our comfort and your comfort doesn’t serve you. Instead, push back against that and think about what really will serve me.

 

Amber Cabral   06:55

It is worth me saying this thing respectfully, responsibly, thoughtfully, and I can get it across impactfully without having to destroy my reputation, without having to be in a position where someone is like, oh my gosh, I’m not going to like you.

 

Amber Cabral   07:11

And in fact, I may be building a stronger connection because now they trust me. They trust me to share my ideas. They trust that I’m going to be very honest about my perspectives. They trust that I’m going to be considerate of their point of view because they’re also going to be more willing to share dialogue with me because I’m going to dialogue back.

 

Amber Cabral   07:27

So I think we have to also think about that too. So it’s not even healthy for us to be in the position of I am going to be people pleasing here because I don’t want to hurt your feelings or I don’t want you to dislike me or I don’t want all of those things are about your comfort.

 

Amber Cabral   07:42

If your comfort were a non-issue, what would you do? If your comfort was not a factor, how would you show up? If you weren’t preoccupied, with your livelihood in that moment. What might you say? And then step back and iterate on it.

 

Amber Cabral   07:56

Frame it in a way where it’s valuable for your leader to hear instead of something that feels like you’re just being angry. Be thoughtful about the way you communicate the message so that it lands on the receiver in a way where they’re saying, hmm, I don’t necessarily like that, but that’s a great observation and I appreciate you sharing.

 

Amber Cabral   08:12

Or you know, I’m not sure that’s the best approach, but I actually can appreciate that you noticed that. And so it just doesn’t serve us to rest in our fear. It doesn’t serve us to rest in our discomfort.

 

Amber Cabral   08:25

It doesn’t serve us to put ourselves in the position where we’re so consumed by what everyone around us is going to think about us, that we are not willing to consider what the impact of us showing up will do to the environment to create equity.

 

Amber Cabral   08:38

I hope you’re enjoying today’s episode. And if you happen to also be looking for tools to help you navigate tough conversations, to be able to show up as a more impactful ally. or just to have resources about how to navigate equity in your world.

 

Amber Cabral   08:52

I’ve written two books. My first book is called allies and advocates. And this book is really focused on helping you show up as a more impactful ally. It has actual tactics and tips and things that you can practice to help you get there both for yourself and for others.

 

Amber Cabral   09:07

My second book is called say more about that. Now say more about that is more about helping you to speak up, to push back, to challenge, to be able to have those conversations that sometimes get a little bit difficult.

 

Amber Cabral   09:18

And in fact, I’ve given you actual scripts to help you to be able to do that. So if you’re interested in just having a few extra resources in your pocket to be able to help you to navigate any of those things, you can go pick up those books anywhere where you buy books, or you can pop down into the show notes and click the links and buy them there.

 

Amber Cabral   09:35

Back to the episode. It’s possible that you’ve had the experience of encountering someone that many people thought of as confident, but you thought of as arrogant. I want to highlight there is a difference between confidence and arrogance.

 

Amber Cabral   09:48

And in fact, all of it rests in the way that you choose to operate. When we are being confident, we are sharing our ideas, we are still being considerate of how people will receive them. We are thoughtfully constructing messages that are going to be impactful, but create space for flexibility and conversation.

 

Amber Cabral   10:06

When we are being arrogant, we are being demanding, we are not listening to others. We are running people over and we have an utter disregard for the experience of those that are also in the space with us.

 

Amber Cabral   10:17

You get to decide, if there’s one thing I could wave across the earth, please understand you get to decide, you get a say in how your life feels, you get a say in how people perceive you, you get a say in all of the experiences that you are having.

 

Amber Cabral   10:32

It may not be the say you want, right? Because for lots of us, the say we might want is I need a pay raise, right? But we don’t necessarily get to impact that the way we want to, but we do get some kind of a say, which is I’m going to make sure that I met message what my expectations are from this role and the leadership that are supporting me.

 

Amber Cabral   10:52

I’m gonna make sure I do the very best job that I can and I talk about it so people are aware of what I’m doing. I’m gonna position myself in such a way that I am successful with the work that I’m doing.

 

Amber Cabral   11:04

All of those things require confidence, but they are also considerate of what the goal is until you’re being considered of the whole, which is what makes it not feel arrogant. So we have seen or perhaps experienced people who have rubbed us the wrong way and potentially we may have envied the fact that they got their point across, right?

 

Amber Cabral   11:25

But we haven’t necessarily appreciated the arrogance that was included or attached to it, even if they got the result. And I just wanna assure you that you don’t have to be that way. You can still assert yourself and share your perspective and do so in a way that doesn’t have to communicate that you’re being arrogant.

 

Amber Cabral   11:40

In fact, this is kind of an interesting example, actually. It’s a little bit… But I will share, because I think it probably fits, I went on a whale watching trip, deeply privileged thing to do in 2023, where we literally were in a lagoon and the whales are very friendly in this area and will come up to the boat, you can touch them, it’s an incredible experience.

 

Amber Cabral   12:05

And while we were there, we were there with, it’s a small group of people, there are about six groups, six folks on each boat, there were three boats, right? So each of the six that you were with, you know, you went out with a person who was steering the boat and also a person who was kind of the guide on the boat and dictating what part of the lagoon we would go to.

 

Amber Cabral   12:28

First day out on the boat, we had incredible interaction with the whales, right? First moment. And the other guests did not have the same interaction. And so one group of guests on one boat were like, ah, next time, let’s hopefully have that experience.

 

Amber Cabral   12:45

You know, tomorrow morning when we go out, we’re looking forward to that. Another group was angry. Another group was incredibly entitled. I paid this much. I can’t believe we didn’t see them. This isn’t fair.

 

Amber Cabral   12:59

And I will be very candid and share with you that this group of folks that were really angry were all white folks. And the group that I was with was a myriad of identities. We had a couple white folks on our boat.

 

Amber Cabral   13:11

We had a couple Asian folks on our boat. I think I was probably the only black person, but it was a mixed identity group. And we were all kind of like, whoa, why are these folks so angry? And they were working to infect others with that anger.

 

Amber Cabral   13:26

And the anger was rooted in arrogance. I paid for this. Why wouldn’t they have this thing? Why would all the boats be different? I bet the whales like the boat that you were on. So we’re going to get that boat next time.

 

Amber Cabral   13:39

So they launched this campaign to essentially de-seat us from a boat and put us in another boat. so they could have our boat because they think that our boat the sound of our boat is what the whales like.

 

Amber Cabral   13:52

So we all get up the next day we go out to lagoon we go to do our whale thing and that particular day no one that morning no one has a whale visit come the afternoon next time out we have a whale encounter our boats are all near each other the whales would not go near their boat even though they were in our former boat the whales would come to our boat the whales went to the other the second group’s boat but this group of people that were upset and arrogant about it the whales wouldn’t go there not have my ideas my speculations about what whales might be able to pick up you know floating around in the ocean but the thing that i’m trying to highlight was just that this group was entitled and arrogant and frustrated because we paid and we should and that’s not and they were impacting everybody’s experience and they were getting what they wanted except the whales They got the boat they wanted,

 

Amber Cabral   14:45

at some point they got to say which driver they wanted for the boat, and another point they ended up even taking our guide. And we still had way more whale encounters and experiences than they did, even though they got all the things they wanted.

 

Amber Cabral   14:59

Arrogance isn’t always going to put you in the place you want. On a outside looking in kind of perspective, it may have seemed like they got everything they wanted because they asked for and received and they did it arrogantly.

 

Amber Cabral   15:10

But what they didn’t get was a robust, rich experience. They didn’t build any connections or relationship. They didn’t walk away with new friends. And ironically, our fun, friendly puppies in the water were unwilling to engage with this group of folks as well.

 

Amber Cabral   15:24

So if you’re in a position where you’re worried that like you have to be really pushy or dominant or offensive, you don’t. And in fact, it might serve you in the short term if you were that way, but the grander experience is not going to be what you want.

 

Amber Cabral   15:41

So our whole goal is to be confident and assertive and willing to lean into our discomfort, but simultaneously not putting ourselves in the position of trying to shrink or oppress someone else’s experience.

 

Amber Cabral   15:54

Hey there, I hope you’re enjoying the episode. And in fact, if you are, you can bring me to your organization or event to help you bring conversations like this to life in your workspaces. This is something I do for a living.

 

Amber Cabral   16:07

I do coaching. I do training. I do executive consulting, whatever it is that you might need as it relates to trying to figure out how to activate allyship or equity in your space, it’s probably something I can support.

 

Amber Cabral   16:18

So if you’re interested in how we can work together, you can reach out to me at cabralco.com or pop down into the show notes and click the link, book a discovery call, and we will chat with you soon.

 

Amber Cabral   16:30

Back to the show. So if there were three tools that I would say you could start to put into your life and put into practice right away to help you to be able to make the kinds of impact you want from an equity standpoint when you are ready.

 

Amber Cabral   16:43

to push into that space, the first thing is you do not have to be arrogant to be confident. Also, likely the barrier to your confidence could be just you’re worried about being uncomfortable or you’re unwilling to get past the fear.

 

Amber Cabral   16:56

You’ve got to be willing to be uncomfortable. You’ve got to be willing to decide that even if you’re scared you’re gonna do it anyway. I think the third thing that’s probably really useful to consider is that it is worth it even if you don’t know exactly what to say, even if you’re not sure of the best framing.

 

Amber Cabral   17:13

That pushing past the discomfort really means that you’re gonna go ahead and take the chance to do it and have the confidence that if you make a mistake you know how to apologize and recover from it.

 

Amber Cabral   17:23

We can’t allow not knowing exactly what to say, not being 100% sure what someone is going to think of us or like us, to be the barrier to us creating the kind of experience that we and the people around us actually deserve.

 

Amber Cabral   17:36

I don’t want to give the illusion that imposter syndrome isn’t a real thing, it is. People are experiencing it, they can connect to what it’s doing, people have similar feelings that we have all bucketed into this group of things that we associate with imposter syndrome.

 

Amber Cabral   17:52

I have it. I feel sometimes like, maybe I’m not the person people think I am, like I, perhaps I’m like, sometimes I’m even surprised, I’m like, oh, you think I’m that person, right? I don’t always know that, but I have a couple perspectives on that, number one, there’s something that my grandmother used to say all the time, which is what people think of me isn’t really my business, and it’s not, it’s not.

 

Amber Cabral   18:14

As long as you treat me well, and you respect me, and you’re not disruptive to my life, it doesn’t matter if you think I’m confident or amazing, or any of those things, I love that people share that with me, but in the grand scheme of things, what I think of me means the most, and so I try to carry into a space what I think of me, and what I would like to be and bring to that space.

 

Amber Cabral   18:32

I am not preoccupied with whatever the mixed or myriad of emotions I may have that may make me think that I am less than what others may see me as, or that I am in some way going to be exposed, or torn apart, because I am resting well in who I am.

 

Amber Cabral   18:46

So I think the solution to imposter syndrome, which is the problem, we’re really good at defining a problem, we’re not really good at expressing a solution. I think the solution is, what am I doing to push past that?

 

Amber Cabral   18:59

How am I going to show up anyway? How am I going to be decisive about the way I rest in who I am and how I am so that even if someone questions it, it’s not gonna tear me down? And instead of just resting in, I have imposter syndrome, because that doesn’t really, it doesn’t serve us.

 

Amber Cabral   19:16

I mean, great, we know that, but we have to be willing to do the things that help us to move into a space where it is not gonna cause us to not be actioned. Like we’re not paralyzed or unwilling to make decisions or, you know, in some way feeling inhibited because we have this idea about ourselves.

 

Amber Cabral   19:34

I hope you found this episode of Guilty Privilege valuable, and I will see you on the next episode. [“Guilty Privilege Valuable”]