SUMMARY KEYWORDS

privilege, happen, folks, relationship, rests, influence, conversation, tone, circumstance, give, organization, snarky, talk, notice, working, approach, decisions, impactful, store, experience

SPEAKERS

Amber Cabral

Amber Cabral 00:00

Three. Privilege is all around you. It shows up in your clothes, where you live, the places you frequent, your network capital, and even how you spend your money. It’s useless until you recognize it. So it’s time to stop feeling guilty and figure out how to use your privilege to make an impact. Welcome to guilty privilege. So sometimes what happens is we don’t have the privilege in a circumstance, so we think that we can’t do anything. The other circumstance that I see that happens a lot is sometimes you’re in the privileged position, but you don’t notice. So I want to talk about both of those today. All right, so the first one being, I don’t have the privilege. I wish I had in this situation. So what am I supposed to do? The second one being, you have the privilege, but you don’t know, right? No one’s pointing it out to you. You have no awareness of your privilege, right? Which is common, by the way, so especially if you’re a person watching this, and you’re going, I don’t have privilege, what are you talking about? You do, right? And so, so we’ll talk about what to do in both of those cases. So you’re in the position you want to influence something you’d like to change away a process is handled. This happens to me very often. I’d like for things to go away that I want them to go but I am not the decision maker in that circumstance. I don’t have the privilege of making the decision. Here is the thing about your privilege. You have some The trick is to identify what it is. You may not be the one that can pull the lever to make the thing that you want to happen happen. You might though be in proximity of that person, and if you are in proximity of that person, there is also an opportunity for you to have influence with that person. So sometimes what we need to do is take stock of what privilege we have in proximity to the thing that we are itching to impact. If I would like to change an organizational policy. I don’t rest in HR. I don’t write organizational policy, but I happen to work in this organization, my approach is going to look a bit different in the case of me being an employee somewhere that doesn’t rest in the HR department. I would likely think about what relationships I have in HR. Who do I know in the organization is highly that is highly thought of or influential? What kinds of connections and relationships do I have with those folks? So maybe I can at least get some conversation going about why this is important. Privilege isn’t always about you being able to do the thing right. We can’t make the final decision about a lot of things. We are actually impacted and affected by lots of decisions that happen well before we come in contact with different people or products or procedures or experiences. It’s already handled before us, but what we often do have a chance to do is have a bit of impact on how it may evolve and look going forward. This is why I always encourage organizations to give surveys, and why? I always encourage employees to take them. It is an opportunity for you to exercise the privilege you have working in this organization and share what it is that you think could be better. Share what you think is going well, share what you want to recommend as a potential approach to address a concern that you have. And so we have to always be in the position of not looking at it as, Oh, I do not have the privilege here. And let me be clear, there are times you should have the privilege in a space and you don’t. Sometimes it comes down to just what container you happen to live in. Sometimes the privilege rests with the person who is the tallest, right. Sometimes the privilege rests with the person who is the richest. Sometimes it rests with the person who is white. Sometimes it rests with the person who speaks the language in the room that the leaders who are listening understands. And you may not be that person, but having proximity and understanding what privilege you do have can make a difference in terms of what the experience is. I might not be the person who has the influence, but I know them. I know what they’re interested in, and I think that this idea would make an impact. Let me figure out the best way to make sure that it gets to them, because my privilege in this circumstance is that I see the experience that’s happening in a different way than the person who is receiving the information does. I’ll give a simple example that I see very often I have clients that are in retail. Anyone who’s worked in retail tells you that there’s two parts, there’s the corporate side, and then there’s the field. Field folks get real frustrated with the corporate folks. All right. So if you’ve ever had a job in a retail company, you know, working as a salesperson or a cashier, you’ve probably had a moment where you were like, Why did they do this this way? Right? And it’s usually something that was decided at corporate and rolled down. Okay? And so what happens is often folks who are resting in the field do not feel like they get a saying. They do not feel like they have any influence. They do not even feel like the folks at corporate really even understand what’s happening inside of this store. You’re sitting way off in this office. Awful. Way somewhere making decisions. I am right here, dealing with the consequences of those decisions, and no one’s talking to me. Here is a circumstance where we have to take a moment and realize I can’t change this process directly, because I’m not sitting over there, but I know more than the folks who are sitting over there. That’s the privilege I have. I have the privilege of the knowledge. Now. What’s the best way for me to get that knowledge to someone who actually can make sure that the folks who need it and make the decisions can do what they need to do. So that might look like occasionally, we need to make sure that our store teams get some conversation time with our regional or district managers, we want to make sure we’re asking our regional and district managers how they’re sharing things back. We may ask if there’s going to be an employee survey, that survey that we can engage in, so that we have a chance to share our ideas and recommendations. Because I have the privilege of engaging in the store day to day, and this is something I think we can do better. So while you may not have the privilege you want right, which is to change the thing very often, you have the privilege that you can still use to influence how that happens. I hope you’re enjoying today’s episode, and if you happen to also be looking for tools to help you navigate tough conversations, to be able to show up as a more impactful ally, or just to have resources about how to navigate equity in your world. I’ve written two books. My first book is called allies and advocates, and this book is really focused on helping you show up as a more impactful ally. It has actual tactics and tips and things that you can practice to help you get there, both for yourself and for others. My second book is called say more about that now. Say more about that is more about helping you to speak up, to push back, to challenge, to be able to have those conversations that sometimes get a little bit difficult. And in fact, I’ve given you actual scripts to help you to be able to do that. So if you’re interested in just having a few extra resources in your pocket to be able to help you to navigate any of those things, you can go pick up those books anywhere where you buy books, or you can pop down into the show notes and click the links and buy them there. Back to the episode. Now, the second group of folks that I talked about was, I don’t know that I have the privilege, but I do. And so likely you’re not doing anything. You’re not making the changes that the folks around you really wish you would. And in many cases, those folks around you aren’t going to tell you because you have the privilege, which means you probably also have the power, which means that they don’t necessarily feel like they can tell you because they don’t want to put their career or their experiences at risk. So here’s the thing that you can always do. I always encourage people to come back to identifying what privileges that you have, take a look about your world and see what is it that I am experiencing, or what is it about me that is really typical? Are you typically writing programmatic design into code for an organization that sells that to consumers? Are you in a position where you are writing corporate policy? Are you in a position where you interface with the Chief Executive Officer very often. If you are in those spaces, you may feel like it’s regular, right? That’s of course, that’s part of my job. I have to do that. Now, the question then becomes, are you using the privilege that you have of being in those spaces in a way that’s impactful? Are you speaking up for the folks that don’t have the seat that you have. Do you have any idea what those folks might need? So if we go back to our store example, where you know there’s a field population and there’s a corporate population, let’s say your privilege is that you happen to work in the home office. You happen to maybe sit where most of the executives are seated in the organization. So you have a pretty good relationship with those folks. And you happen to maybe have a relative, maybe it’s your sister, brother or cousin who works in the actual store location. So you happen to have perspective about what’s happening in the stores. And then you also happen to have relationships with folks that make the decisions about how things come to life in the store. Maybe you don’t even notice it. Maybe what you’ve been doing is saying, when you’re, you know, really close relative that works in the store complains about something that’s happening. Maybe what you’re doing is saying, oh, yeah, the reason for that is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, when what your opportunity could be and your privilege could be, you know, I know the person in the team that does that. I’m going to see if I can get you a conversation with them, because I even sure if they’re aware that that’s happening, that’s what having awareness of your privilege does. It helps you see where you can say, Wait, I have some influence here, even though I might not have all the information, I can make a connection that can potentially shape how this works. And so it’s really important for us to not rest in spaces and not at least take a moment and say, What’s my role here? What kind of influence do I have? What kinds of decisions need to come to life here? And by the way, am I the person that should be doing it? Am I the one that should speak up? Another example of this is like, imagine a meeting. You’re in a meeting, the most senior person in the. Room says something that’s inappropriate, they don’t notice it comes out of their mouth, and they keep going. But you feel the tension in the room, and you feel the energy change, and you’re like, ooh, that wasn’t okay. Who’s supposed to say something? The question should be, am I the person to say something? Because you have to think about your proximity, when compared to everyone else in the room, if you’re in the position where you have a strong relationship with this leader, they trust you. You all have been working together for some time, whatever that might be, that has built some degree of relationship. You might be the person that needs to say, Hey, I noticed that you said this. I just want to give you an opportunity to step back and clarify, because I think that may have landed on some folks a bit differently than you intended, right? Nice, soft correction coming from someone I trust, they’re going to see you as helping me to present myself in the way that I want to instead of undermining someone more junior, someone that has less influence, credibility and relationship, could say the same thing and be seen as confrontational, pushy or inappropriate, using your privilege well means taking stock of the environment and the circumstance and understanding when it’s actually you and when it’s not you. But you know who it should be asking them to take notice of it being them. Hey, I noticed in the meeting that you didn’t say anything when this came up, I kind of feel like you would have been the best person to say something. Can we have a little conversation about that? Because folks don’t know. Folks don’t know. We want people to say things on our behalf, to challenge ideas, to create opportunities, but we don’t always do the best job equipping them with the information that they need to know. You are resting in the power seat, I would like you to push the gas right, and so we have to sometimes be willing to step in and lean into those relationships so that we can offer them that perspective. Now I want to be really clear. I don’t think any of this is easy. It’s time consuming, it’s complex, and I guarantee you’re going to be uncomfortable. And the more you do it, it gets easier. But even when you start doing it, you’re going to feel like you did it wrong. You’re going to be uncertain about how it’s landing, and you’re going to take a little time before you figure out what the right words and what the right language is to help you to be able to land the message. But the more you start seeing it as a part of your responsibility to say, I happen to have the privilege of, I would like to be impactful in this way, because you notice when it’s not happening, the more likely you are going to be able to push past that discomfort, that awkwardness, the bumpy part that’s going to take place before you get to a point where you’re like, you know what? This is a part of who I am and how I want to show up in the world. Hey, there. I hope you’re enjoying the episode, and in fact, if you are, you can bring me to your organization or event to help you bring conversations like this to life in your workspaces. This is something I do for a living. I do coaching, I do training, I do executive consulting, whatever it is that you might need as it relates to trying to figure out how to activate allyship or equity in your space. It’s probably something I can support. So if you’re interested in how we can work together, you can reach out to me@cabraco.com or pop down into the show notes and click the link book a discovery call, and we will chat with you soon. Back to the show. One of the things I like to give people in the resources I provide are ways to say things. I also try to do that on these videos, because I think sometimes what people think is, in the way of them being able to do something, is I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to say it. So I’m going to give you a few sentences that I use, and I also want to call your attention to something that I think is really key, which is your tone, which is funny, because sometimes I get a lot of feedback about my tone, but your tone matters a lot, so you want to be thoughtful about the tone. So I encourage people to when you are going to say something that people can perceive as tough, to consider what kind of tone you want to use, so that tone can be very inviting and warm and have a bit of a curious element. So think about the way you might talk to a child, or, you know, your pet even, right, we tend to go, how are you doing? Right? We were very warm. We’re very inviting, right? We elevate our voice. At the end, we’re intentionally trying to deliver a message in a way that someone is going to feel like, oh, I liked how that sounded. So I want to respond. Another approach you could use is a sense of humor, or if you happen to be playfully snarky with someone you can lean into that, you know. So you’ll probably see throughout the episode, as I am dialoguing with a few of my guests, you can get a sense of our relationship, because I can be a little snarky, right? And that will, like, sneak out of me, because it’s a useful way to build connection. So think about the way you want your message to land, you know, you’re about to say this thing that you think is really important, but you want people to actually hear the message. So curiosity is a great one. Humor is a great one. Playful, snarky, if you have that relationship, is also a great one. And there are others, like, what tone and emotion Do you want to use? That’s the first thing you want to think about. The second thing is, you know, think about your word choice. I really like. Questions, right? I like questions because when you ask a question, people, especially if they care about either the topic or they care about how they will be received, are going to feel inclined to answer you. I’m not sure I follow what you mean. Can you explain that for me? Right? Just because I ask, someone wants you to understand, so they’re going to respond to that. So think about some questions. I call these powerful questions. In my book, I think you can think about putting some of these in your pocket. Can you say more about that? I’m not sure I follow. Can you, you know, give me a bit more perspective. Is there an opportunity for you to consider another idea here? You know, things like that, that are that are not attacking, that are not demeaning, but are an invitation for someone to connect. So I like to use sentences that sound like that. I also like to use, you know, statements that I think, make people consider their perspective or their point of view, or invite them to perhaps create an opening for others. So I might say something that sounds a bit like, I think there’s something else to consider here. Now someone’s ear is primed to, well, what’s the something else, right? Or I might share something like, oh, I follow exactly what you mean. I have a little bit more information that might be useful right again. Now I want to know what the more is. And so think about what kinds of framing you want to use. And this isn’t about corporate speak all these really pretty elaborate extra words, you know, per my last email, this isn’t that. This is about being thoughtful about how you construct your sentences and use your tone and your body language in a way that convey I am interested in I care. And I am trying to create an environment where we can connect here, so that we can be impactful with the messaging that happens. My hope is that ultimately, we realize that all of this is kind of subjective, and it is possible at any point, that someone is going to hear what you’re saying in a way that you didn’t intend. So the last thing I’m going to give you, and I give this away often, is how to apologize. What if you do offend? What if it doesn’t land the way you intended? The response is not to go, well, that’s not what I meant. What I was trying to say was, because I’m gonna be honest with you, my feelings are hurting, upset, and I don’t care what you meant. This is how I feel. So the response really, if you notice that that’s happening to the best of your ability pull those emotions back and start with an apology. So an apology has two parts. The first part of an apology is I apologize for the second part is moving forward. I will I apologize for my approach in this conversation. Moving forward, I’ll be more thoughtful about how I frame things when I’m talking to you about this. All right, I apologize for moving forward. I will usually, you’ll have to say it more than once, especially if someone’s upset. My Gage is usually, if someone is so frustrated that they can barely get a sentence out, I’m probably going to have to say it a few times and give them a little space before they’re able to make the adjustment and we can continue the discussion. Be open to that. People just aren’t used to good apologies. We don’t see them online. We don’t get them in relationships. Our kids are not really, you know, carrying forward the apology spirit, despite what they may be learning in grade school. And so apologies just aren’t happening at the rate that they should. And so sometimes you’ll have to say it over and over, but just kind of keep that tool around so that in the event that your body language that we’re practicing, your tone that you’re practicing isn’t working for you you have in your back pocket, ugh, foot in mouth. Let me go ahead and apologize. So in closing, I hope this episode gives you a few tools that you can use if your concern is but I’m not the one with the privilege, and the person that has a privilege isn’t doing anything right. So now you have, you know, a few ways to approach that. The key is to always recognize that you have something. You have something, what can I do with what I have, and how can I use it? And what’s the best approach, if that involves me connecting with another person, if I don’t want to offend, and if I do offend, what do I do to fix it? And so you should have all the tools to kind of help you be able to move through that. So as we are moving forward on our equity journey, as we are recognizing the ways that our privilege can shape our experience, you now have a few tools to keep you from feeling like you have to be worried about when you make a mistake. All right, see you on the next episode of guilty privilege. My name is Amber Cabral.